Why Toddlers Throw Tantrums and Adults Act Like Toddlers
“What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?“ (James 4:1)
This will be a straightforward explainer post not written in narrative form, as I’m sure I need not spend any time illustrating what a tantrum is to anyone. I have four children and have experienced and parented through this toddler phase so I know what I am talking about and could tell many stories to illustrate. I hope by explaining the causes of toddler tantrums and giving a very clear solution I might save the peace of many parents, the joy of many toddlers, and society as a whole from the peace killing, joy killing toxicity of fearful desire, false entitlement, and angry pride.
The Pattern of a Tantrum
Step 1: I want it.
Step 2: I don’t have it.
Step 3: I’ll punish the person responsible for not providing it.
Thats the simple loop of a tantrum from 2 to 92. Observe any examples of tantrum like symptoms and you’ll find these three elements readily available. They are the fire like ingredients of fearful desire, false entitlement, and angry pride. Remove any one of these three and the tantrum ends.
Why Toddlers Throw Tantrums
Step 1: The Fuel - Need leads to desire which leads to a “dependency awareness” which leads to doubt and fear
Children often want things they know they cannot provide for themselves. This is the natural state of children and is the fuel for the tantrum fire. They are helpless and dependent on their parents for provision. From breast milk to building blocks, a toddler learns quickly that his provision is not his own. This state of dependency can be troubling for the child. Does mom love me? Will she give me what I want? A child becomes hyper aware of any signs that might cause him to doubt his mother’s love. The absence of love is a death sentence for a toddler and death is the sum of all fears for living creatures.
Step 2: The Oxygen - Fear leads to false entitlement
This fear causes a number of behaviors but the most important is resentment that says “mom and dad won’t give me what I want, even though I deserve it, want it, and need it.” This false sense of entitlement is the oxygen of the tantrum fire. I call this false entitlement because it is rooted in a manipulative interpretation of the toddlers observations, namely that he can tell more often than not that his parents want to provide for him. He reasons that they would feel guilty if they weren’t able to provide and thus sees guilt as his first power he has over his mom and dad to ensure he gets what he wants. The behavior of the child shifts from innocence to suspicion and displays of entitlement. You can imagine what an undeveloped human being wielding the power of guilt might do. Make demands. Belittle his mom. Expand his desires as far as possible. The greater the desire, the greater the guilt for not providing, the greater the power. The stage is set for an explosion.
Step 3: The Spark - Denial of provision leads to punishment
Fearful desires and false entitlement set the stage for the tantrum to begin. When a child doesn’t get what he wants, he angrily sets his will over his parents which of course is pride. This angry pride is the spark within the child that lights the fuel of his desires which converts all that false entitlement into a raging tantrum. For the sin of not providing, the toddler will attempt to make the parents life a living hell.
Thats the pattern. When these three elements come together…BOOM!
Now what to do about it…
The “Okay but why” Method
As a parent, you want to get at this problem early and stop it from happening in all three directions. Of course, many parents fail at this because they have within themselves fearful desires, false entitlement, and angry pride. The solution I discovered with my children also works for adults. I call it the “Okay but why?” method.
Step 1: Encourage your child to ask for things.
Let them know there isn’t anything they can’t share with you or ask you for. Tell them they have nothing to be afraid of and that they should listen to their desires and learn to love them but not let their desires control them.
Step 2: Remind them that you have the right and the duty to say “no”.
Children want to trust their parents but they are afraid that a “no” indicates a lack of love. There are deep and understandable reasons for this that I won’t cover in depth here. Suffice it to say that the word “no” is at its root an evil, reality negating word used by Adam and Eve in the garden to deny God’s goodness. No surprise we are a little triggered by that word, even at a young age. Parents must show them that they know things their child doesn’t and that they can trust the parent to deny them bad things and provide them with good things. Examples of this asymmetrical information environment which demands both love and trust are plenty from hot oven burners to jumping into dad’s arms at the swimming pool. A parent must impress upon their child that love can be communicated in both “yes” and “no”. The parent must teach her child that her responsibility is not to say “yes” to his valid but ill informed desires and that the child’s responsibility is to trust. This is where the child says “Okay” to any answer the parent gives, no matter how confusing.
Step 3: Encourage them to ask for wisdom if they want to understand your reasoning.
Now that the child is no longer afraid of his desires and respects his parent's right to deny him, the final step is to bridge the gap between the child’s ignorance and the parent’s knowledge. This is the only real responsibility of parents, to help their children become responsible, wise, and mature adults.
The easiest way to practice this with young children is to teach the phrase “Okay. But why?”. Of course there are many variations of this phrase such as “I understand (your decision). Can you help me understand why (that is your decision)?”. Children want to know things but children who have fearful desires and false entitlement use the word “why” as a bludgeon against the will of their parents. “Why” to them is a way to make their parents justify their decision and is an expression of angry pride. Their “why” is the destructive flame in the fire of a tantrum. For children who protect themselves from fear and entitlement, why is just the opposite. These children don’t want to set their will against their parents. They want to understand and know their parent’s mind and heart. Instead of beating their parents down with “why”, their “why” is the path to becoming wise, capable, and competent, which is the deep desire of every child, because it solves their original problem of helpless dependency.
This isn’t to say that a child is entitled to an explanation. A parent has a right to say “I just need you to trust me.” Sometimes the parent doesn’t know how to communicate the reason or doesn’t have the time. Sometimes the reason is too complicated for the child to understand. Parents should be gentle in explaining this denial of reason to their children but never feel guilt for not giving an answer or not giving an answer that the child fully understands.
I should also mention that using the “Okay but why” method will create incentives for parents to be better, wiser, more thoughtful parents. Do you really want to deny your child a good thing for no good reason? If they trust your leadership, won’t you want to honor that trust by being a good one? If they want to be like you, won’t you want to become the best version of yourself with the soundest wisdom? In the final analysis, won’t becoming a great mom and dad teach you how to become a great child of God?
What to do if children don’t respect your right to say no?
Of course we must address the possibility of a child being stubborn and denying a parent’s to say no. The only effective solution in this case of stubbornness is for the parent to say no more often and with more intention than before to provide the child with more evidence that they have made a mistake. I remember when my daughter was 3 or 4 years old she would throw these tantrums and it was clear that she was testing my resolve. I got on her level, looked her in the eye, and said “I promise you, I am way more stubborn than you are.” Learn to say “no” to a stubborn child with delight, with determination, and with deliberate awareness. The more fun you have with your “no”, the less contentious the relationship will be. You are simply proving a point. Their will is powerless against your own.
It’s common knowledge that the best way to get a teenager to do something is to tell them the can’t do it. The word “can’t” is best interpreted as a threat and a challenge and the only answer to that threat is the proof of “can”. Keep this in mind when a child denies you the right to say “no” to their requests.
Application to other relationships
Of course many parents are not humble, happy, and wise children of God and did not raise humble, happy, and wise children of them. Thus we have this same pattern of tantrum making in adults.
In romantic relationships, does your partner interpret “no” as “you don’t love me.”? Teach them to respect your “no” and how to empathize with your perspective. Does your parent share with you their desires or do you sense they are afraid to let you know what they really want? Do you feel you can open your heart to them? Perhaps the reason they are quick to reject your requests is because they don’t feel that their “no” is respected. To them, they interpret every expressed desire as an entitlement on their lives. This is especially true for females who were taught to be submissive and to not have a will of their own. Encourage your wife to own her “no” by accepting it unconditionally. Then and only then ask to understand her reasoning.
When you are in a customer relationship, do you respect the service provider to deny you service, no matter how unfair or confusing it may seem? Practice the “okay. But why?” method. Affirm their right to say “no” but don’t be afraid to ask for things and don’t be afraid to ask why in a spirit of humility, curiosity, and a desire to empathize. Don’t be a customer with fearful desires, false entitlement, and angry pride.
For children of toddler like parents, do your parents respect your right to say no or do they constantly have you in a subservient relationship to them. At some point the knowledge gap between the child and the parent closes, often around the time an adult child has their first child. At this point, the relationship between parent and child should morph into something more approaching respectful equality than the deference of childhood. Immature parents however don’t know how to navigate this and it’s often the task of the child to break the cycle of immaturity and parent their parents, or to be put in a different way, teach their parents to assume a healthy relationship with their Heavenly Father. They should not be approaching you with fearful desires, false entitlement, nor angry pride. Break this cycle the same way you would a toddler.
In government relationships, do politicians and police officers respect your right to disagree with them or have they assumed a position of authority over you? Teach them that you have a right to say no with how you use your property. They need to accept that answer unconditionally before they can ask for understanding.
Do you respect people in government as people. Be careful in dealing with anyone to not respond out of fearful desire, false entitlement, or angry pride. Instead, be fearless in your speech, generous in your expectations, and humble in your acknowledgment of each and every person’s right to their own opinion and actions.
First and foremost, in your relationship with God, we are His dependence. Ask him for things and trust that He will never withhold good gifts. If you are confused, ask for wisdom and humble yourself before the answer. Much more could be said about this but suffice it to say that the answer will come from you thinking about why things are the way they are, that is paying attention and using your capacity for reason.
Again, I hope this article helps restore peace to many parents, joy to many children, and hope to a world suffering for lack of humility and wisdom.
Note:
The reason I’m sharing it with this is for self reflection of my readers. Are you a toddler throwing a tantrum or a parent who feels helpless? The pattern of out of control children and out of control parents is reflected in our society of unruly citizens and unreasonable governments. This pattern just us acting out what we know from our childhood, what we learned from our parents. If we know how to deal effectively with the tantrum tendency in our own heart and how to effectively parent our children to maturity, we can apply those same methods to society at large and heal the division, entitlement, fear, and anger that is consuming the world.
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