Letting go of “normal”

In this post I invite everyone to let go of the myth of “normal” and practice unconditional love, forgiveness, and acceptance, fulfilling the basic need of human nature. I wrote this little meditation, reflecting on all the ways I’ve encountered and understood the tyranny of “normal” in my life

What makes a good friend? I think the answer to this start with acceptance. The opposite is illuminating since the opposite of acceptance is rejection and control which are essential to a definition of an enemy. 

It’s like free speech. If your definition of free speech is any speech so long as its not controversial, you don’t really value free speech. You value comfortable and controlled speech. 

Acceptance is like this too. If your willingness to accept and befriend someone is dependent on them behaving and speaking a certain way, you aren’t a real friend. You are an acquaintance of comfort and convenience. 

What I have learned is that people from marginalized groups tend to be some of the best friends. Gay men, for instance, had to suffer the condemnation of the heteronormative society for decades. To “come out of the closet” often meant to accept a loss in a multiple of forms. Divorce. Job loss. Loss of friends. This loss was on purpose. Those who inflicted these losses were exercising power, some more and some less, over “deviant behavior”. In the process of becoming outcasts of society, I sense that these people discovered something about authenticity that the mass of normies don’t. They discovered that while it’s painful to endure the controlling influences of normative culture, the internal agony of sacrificing authenticity, truth, and courage for the approval and support of others is far worse. 

We don’t accept people for who they are because we fear becoming like them. We are afraid to recognize the flexibility and resiliency of the human experience because we’ve been conditioned to think that operating outside of social norms will lead to chaos. The irony is that the opposite is true. The more we squeeze people in artificial restraints, whether psychological or physical, the more dangerous and unpredictable people become. Constrained people are less likely to be open and honest, leaving us blind to their thoughts and desires. Constraining someone creates an antagonizing polarity between the powerful and the powerless which can lead to acting out and even violence. 

You can see this thread of restraint and the consequences manifested across the entire human experience. The obvious physical restraint of black slaves in the plantation south resulted in slave riots, runaways, and eventually a civil war. The constraints of the English King imposing taxes on the colonies resulted in the Revolutionary War. We can see rebellious actions from teenagers who feel stifled and from marginalized people groups who are treated like animals. Is it any wonder that secret infidelity is so common among couples who have constrained their relationship to places too narrow for one partner? 

When I was growing up in Mississippi, religious Southern Baptist culture put a taboo on drinking alcohol. Youth group messages policed teenagers into abstaining from all forms of substance abuse. This created two camps. On the one side, there were the good boys and girls who maintained their reputation within the church. On the other side, there was the bad kids who, being divorced from mainstream culture, didn’t just drink but explored every kind of rebellious behavior imaginable. This control from the culture completely eliminated the middle ground where wisdom and freedom could meet. Wisdom was not allowed to be free and freedom was divorced from wisdom. It wasn’t until I got to college and started hanging around Presbyterians that I felt comfortable having a beer. How many “good kids” were stifled by the arbitrary rules of their youth groups? How many “bad kids” were bereft of love, kindness, acceptance, and support simply because they didn’t fit the moral mold?

All this boils down to one primary theme: Humans cannot be domesticated. Our nature is essentially free. Through the power of our minds, we are the sole dictators of our thoughts, our emotions, and our action. Those who pretend otherwise, who refuse to accept and explore who they are or refuse to accept who someone else is are fighting against the soul of humanity. In maybe even a more profound way, they are fighting against God. Could the practice of acceptance be the doorway to a new spiritual awakening? 

In current events, I am grieved at how much power is being consolidated into the hands of those who don’t accept human nature. They hold out freedom in one hand and a whip in the other. This is not right. How far has America drifted away from her first love!

To reverse this, we must learn to accept our fellow human beings, full stop, banning within our own hearts the use of physical and psychological constraints used to keep people compliant and in line. People are worthy and deserving of acceptance no matter what. People are worthy of love no matter what. People are worthy of forgiveness no matter what. If believing this means that certain ideas, concepts, and beliefs must die, let them perish in a blaze of fire! If your religion teaches you that only certain people are worthy of love,  raze that religion to the ground! If you feel pressured by your work or people who are in power over you to change who you are, leave them in the rear view mirror. If a spouse or a “friend” refuses to delight in hearing all your thoughts and supporting all your actions, they are not fulfilling the duties of a partner. Their view of you is one of conditional comfort. If your government requires anything of you to be worthy of respect, if they would invade your privacy and loot your possessions in ransom for so called peace and provision, shake that government off! Laws and regulations are simply tools of tyrants, both large and small. They are attempts to establish “normalcy”, which is a myth. They are attempting to herd you like cattle, not engage with you as a free soul. Such a government, spouse, friend, employer, religion, and belief will sow the wind of control, but it will reap the whirlwind of rebellion in the full force of the human spirit. Let go of the desire for control, as if controlling a human spirit were even possible. People are beautiful, creative, collaborative, loving, inspiring, magical beings when they are not beaten down by the sledgehammer of “normal”.

How much of our current conflicts, from personal squabbles to international wars, are rooted in our collective belief in the myth of “normal”? How might the world change if we each learned how to be better friends and partners to each other, instead of putting up prerequisites for respect and acceptance? How can you push against the tyranny of normal in your life? For many of us this might begin with self-acceptance. Can you tell yourself that you are deserving of joy, regardless of how much you weigh, regardless of how much money you have, regardless of your past? Can you give that same level of acceptance to someone at work, at church, or on the street? Can you extend this radical acceptance to your kids, a romantic interest, a business partner, or a spouse? Can you speak and act in a way that proves that you accept them for whoever they are and whoever they become? Perhaps you can think of someone and write down all the ways you wish they were different or acted differently. Meditate on the ways you’ve denied this person acceptance and love. Maybe this person is you! Once you’ve done this, consider burning this list as a symbolic way to let go of these myths of “normal”, “acceptable”, and the desire for control that causes you and others so much suffering. 

You can also fight against the tyranny of normal, acceptable, and legal by simply not complying with arbitrary laws and rules. Drive without car insurance. Sell something without any regards to what is legal or regular. Don’t charge sales tax and certainly don’t give the myth of the state and it’s demands one passing thought on what it claims it is entitled to. Stop paying your car and home loans. Stop paying rent. You can do whatever you want and it’s this realization that grounds you to the reality of the situation. Will this draw the ire from those who benefit from you believing the lie of normal, legal, good, evil, and the state? Of course! But human progress is often marked by moments where people resisted the demands of the controlling, from the Pharaoh in the days of Moses to the religious leaders of Jesus’ day, to the authorities of the Roman Catholic Church during the Spanish Inquisition and Martin Luther, to the efforts of King George against the colonies of the new world, to the plantation owners and slave traders in the 19th century, to the bigotry of control during Jim Crow, to the violence inflicted on the peaceful marches of the Civil Rights Movement. At every step in the journey to freedom, rebels have met resistance and yet did not back down. Today governments have resorted to exercising control over populations through currency control and terrorists attacks (Pearl Harbor, Gulf of Tonken, 9/11, and now the attacks on Israel). Anyone in this day who loves his life must be willing to lose it, crucifying in our own minds the myths of nation, money, and normal. Consider how the nature of the current debt based money means that every loan is a form of theft, since it was created out of thin air… The moneychangers who make these loans deserve every act of rebellion coming to them.

Many studies have shown a rise in mental illness and I wonder if the gap between the way we allow people to be and how they want to be is the primary culprit. Someone who feels one way but risks rejection for acting authentically or letting others know how they feel inflicts tremendous mental stress. Could a breakthrough in mental health come from people killing the pet concept of “normal” and “acceptable” and practicing radical acceptance instead?

Perhaps we can all take the time this week to tell someone, especially someone that makes us uncomfortable, that you accept them for exactly who they are. That feeling of discomfort comes from the myth of normal and desire for control. Ask them to tell you something real and vulnerable and let go of “normal” by responding with empathy and appreciation. Invite them to explore with you the depths of their thoughts and ENCOURAGE them in the creativity of their expression. YOU have the POWER to expand the possibilities of this beautiful life by submitting completely to WHO OTHER PEOPLE ARE, however they present themselves.

Today, commit to letting go of the myth of “normal”. “Normal” hurts people and only creates secrecy and rebellion. 

Love, no matter what. Love is not bound by the boarders of “acceptable”. 

Find 10,000 ways to forgive. Forgiveness is unconditional. 

Live boldly outside the categories of normal. The world needs ALL of you right now. 

All things are possible.

All things are acceptable.

All things deserve love, support, attention, encouragement, and care.

May it be so.

Gabor Mate on the Myth of Normal